Monthly Archives: February 2013

A Start

Dear Daughters,

We played today. I had fun. You two are delightful to be with and I hate that I don’t see that all the time. In therapy right now, I am exploring why it’s so hard for me to put myself into your world of play. And I’m committed to working on it. So today, I offered myself to you for 30 minutes of -whatever-you-want- play. We played library and I was the silly patron who checked out books to do crazy projects, then came back to check out books on how to fix the damage done by said projects. You, eldest daughter, giggled and giggled at some of my antics. It makes my heart happy to hear your genuine glee when we play. We played restaurant and I served YOU for a change. Then we danced. All 3 of us. And it was so much fun. I watched your faces as you both smiled and giggled. I watched your bodies wiggle in time to the music as I wiggled, too. Eldest daughter, you performed a slow, graceful piece for me. When you started, your face showed that you were trying to be very careful and were searching my face for approval. Then I told you I love to see your face when you let it be “free.” What I saw after that took my breath away. You smiled and danced and looked SO happy. I couldn’t help but smile, too.

As I sit here and reflect back on our time today, I am glad that we played. 30 minutes turned into an hour before I knew it. I got to know you in ways I hadn’t before, and I’m hungry for more. I see that this is just the beginning. Because something I hadn’t considered before is opening my heart. Playing in your world is a way for me to get to know you. Right now, I feel like I know only the parts of you that need guiding. The parts that test the boundaries and push the limits to see where they are. I only know what you show me as we dance the dance of day-to-day life, which ends up being a lot of time that we don’t really connect. As we spend more time together, I’m looking forward to really seeing you both for who you are. Glimpses were seen today. I saw the artistic side and happy, optimistic heart of my eldest princess. I saw the forceful independence and creativity of my youngest little sweetheart. And knowing this is just the beginning makes my heart sing.

I dealt with some of my brokenness as we played, but I’m learning that I have to live in my brokenness, not wait until I’m less broken to live. So here’s to fewer missed opportunities, and more connection to the little girls you really are. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. I know it’s a risk and I’m so grateful you’re willing to take it.

Love, Mama