Dear Fellow Travelers,
Today started in a very ordinary way, and as I sit here close to bedtime, reflecting over the day as a whole, I have decided that today was beautiful. Not beautiful as in the best day ever. Nothing particularly marvelous happened. In fact, normally I’d be tempted to call today a disaster. A sucky day. The day from hell. But I’m changing my perspective.
Today contained a lot. My first Facebook post of the morning was, “Morning huggles and Handy Manny. Life is good.” Because Romeo and Jubilee crawled in bed with me first thing. And as I reclined there with their warm little bodies pressed against me, one fuzzy head on each shoulder and my arms around them, it was bliss. I sniffed their heads and squeezed them and just reveled in their closeness and their littleness.
A few minutes later, Romeo decided he wanted more Cheerios. And Jubilee had forgotten to lock the pantry. After a few minutes of silence, I went to see where he was to find the entire box of Cheerios in a pile, on top of a full bowl in the floor. I was aggravated. And I cleaned it up with aggravated body language. Which started an avalanche of cranky for all of us. And my ears hurt from the cranky screeching of hours (well, AN hour) of toddler attempts at communication and me not understanding.
So after my coffee, I decided that we would take a walk and get some fresh air. In an attempt to flush out the crankies, we got dressed and headed out to a walking trail near our house. Those of you who follow me on Facebook know that aside from approximately one minute of peace and deep breathing and calm, the walk was an utter disaster that brought me back to the house with a sore body and a bruised spirit. I was definitely not less cranky than when I left. I gave Romeo a bath and put him down to nap, bandaged Jubilee’s poor bloody knees (really, read the Facebook account) and sat down to attempt to “veg” until it was time to pick Melody up from school. The rest of the day continued on in the ordinary. I made a fairly decent dinner and left to go to therapy.
My therapy session today was grueling. It was the first time ever that my emotions were so big that I literally considered walking out in the middle and never coming back. But it was also very productive. And it started my realization that something can be hard and horrible yet productive and beautiful all at the same time. That bad does not cancel out good. And that even though today had truly horrible moments, it also had moments of beauty. Moments when I savored the love I feel for my children. Moments when I breathed deep and felt the air fill my healthy lungs. Moments when I shared a family meal made with nutritious food with the 4 people I love most in all the world. And if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, my today was beautiful. Not perfect, but beautiful. And for the first time ever, I feel ready to embrace it. The fact that there is no perfect day. That today was full of love and frustration and beauty and near disaster and health and pain and growth. And that at the end of this day, instead of looking back over the last 24 hours and saying, “Man, I’ve had a horrible day,” I can look back over it and feel full. Full of emotions and hope and beauty. And the sense that working hard to embrace imperfection is worth it. And may tomorrow be equally full of beauty. <3