Sunday morning, you were hanging out with me in the bathroom while I applied a bit of makeup before church. You were happily standing on the step stool you often use to wash your hands when somehow you misstepped and fell. You slid down between toilet and sink, banging the back of your head on the toilet tank and getting your shirt hung on the toilet paper hook. As I struggled to free you and your shirt from being “stuck,” you fought me off. You cried and screamed and wanted Daddy. Confused, but wanting to comfort you, I handed you to Daddy and he hugged and calmed and checked you for injuries. I came alongside and patted your back, asking if you were okay and trying to offer comfort as well. You continued to cry for a few seconds, then turned your face to mine and in an angry, sad, betrayed voice screamed, “YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!!” and buried your face back in Daddy’s shoulder sobbing. I acknowledged that I didn’t catch you and that I wished I had and was so sorry that I didn’t. Daddy tried to explain to you that I didn’t know you were going to fall. You finally calmed a bit and let me hold you, and after a few minutes wanted down to play. But try as you might, at least the next bit of your morning was ruined. Nothing was right. Your toys wouldn’t “play” right, no one gave you the answers you wanted and you were just generally unhappy.
As we drove to church, I could not help but draw a parallel between what had happened that morning and my own relationship with my Father, God. Your accusation that I should have caught you despite not causing your fall at all was a profound eye opener for me.
In this broken, sinful world we live in, so often we are hurt and feel deep pain. Sometimes my pain comes from bad decisions I made. Sometimes I fall because I get ahead of myself. But all too often, life just happens. While God may allow the falls in my life, He does not throw me down and make me bang my head. Often I am just living and the natural consequences of my actions or the actions of others… Just. Happen. And how often do I shake my fist at the heavens because He didn’t catch me. I wonder how that makes Him feel?
Going further, so many times when one thing goes wrong in my life, I let it ruin so many other things for at least a time. It becomes so easy to lose perspective when I’m in pain. And so I find myself sitting here wondering what I can learn from your little incident. . .because I sense something profound in your statement of betrayal. “You didn’t catch me.”
Knowing the deep love and compassion I feel for you, I know my Abba feels nothing less for me. I scooped you up and felt your pain in my own heart. I felt sad that you were angry and sad. I wanted to soothe away the hurt and the sadness. And knowing that God feels that way when I hurt is a huge revelation to me. Because it speaks to His goodness and His eternally extravagant love. He doesn’t always catch me. But He always loves me. And He is always there with me in my pain. And each day, as I continually learn to surrender the illusion of my own control, I learn more about what it feels like to trust Him even when He doesn’t catch me. Just like you will someday understand that I wish I could catch you every time you fall. Thank you for being so honest and transparent, little man. Because that dose of truth from your innocent little heart has taken me on a journey of my own.
I hope next time you fall, I can catch you. But if not, I will pick you up and love you in your sadness. Because you’re so worth it. <3